God's Little Lifelines

I hadn't realized it had been so long since I last wrote on my blog. I've been so caught up in dealing with the unemployment appeal, going to NIH with Rebecca, finding a job, and trying to relocate, I kind of forgot about myself. I forgot to let myself write about what was going on in my life. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in living life, we forget to experience it. Writing is the thing I have found that lets me do just that.

Lately I've started to feel kind of numb to this whole "my child has brain cancer" thing. I want my life to be normal again. I want to not be angry. I want to not cry at stupid times. I want to plan ahead. I want to have a day (an hour even) where I don't think about it. My life is now defined by the milestones we reach. I'm not sure what life was before November 5, 2009. I find myself saying things like "let's see, it was before her first surgery" or "when she was getting radiation" or "on our 3rd trip to NIH." It reminds me a lot of when I was a Navy wife and everything was measured by deployments.

The day I heard the words "the radiologist thinks it's a brain tumor" I only remember my arms going cold and the look on my child's face. That look will forever be burned into my memory. The next day, I emailed 5-6 of my closest friends. Women I knew to be prayer warriors. My faith had become quite literally the size of a mustard seed and I needed some reinforcements. I cried the whole time I typed the email because as I read the words on the monitor, it was becoming more and more real. We didn't know anything at that point other than there was something in her brain and that life would never be the same again.  I have had some of the darkest moments of my entire life in this last year. Moments I didn't think I would survive and yet I always woke up the next morning, breathed in, breathed out and then dealt with the tasks of that particular day.

One of the most difficult things I have had to deal with since this began is being around my former husband and his family. When I divorced him, I knew I would have to continue parenting with him but all along I always thought once she was 18, I would never really have to have much contact with him again. I'm not going to go into a bunch of in-law bashing but suffice it to say, a lot of damage was done many years ago to my self esteem by these people and I have come quite a long way since the divorce. I'm a very different person since that time and I like who I am now. I'm proud of the job I've done raising my daughter. They have not taken an active role in her life over the years. So to have to spend time with these people, celebrate Christmas last year with them, host them at the rental home during her radiation therapy, has nearly driven me mad. I did have a revelation at one point during their visit to Charleston...I don't HAVE to care what they think of me any more and it's not my responsibility to entertain them. It was quite liberating.

The other thing that has nearly destroyed me during this time is the financial devastation. I am the only one most negatively effected financially. Even before I lost my job in July, I had lost a lot of money from having to take so much time off. I have had to deplete my IRA, and sell a good bit of my jewelry. These are the things no one tells you about when your child has cancer and that's not something you can ever prepare yourself for. There have been people, Angels really, that have helped me, given me gift cards and even cleaned my house.

It's these types of kindnesses that I have come to call God's Little Lifelines. There have been times I felt like I was just ready to give up. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I will admit, I'm tired. I'm very, very tired. It's like I'm treading water and about to drown, but just when I'm ready to stop treading water and go under it's like God says "I know you're tired. I know you're ready to give up. But just hold on a little longer. Just hang in there. I'm still here. Don't give up." And then something happens...a check for just the right amount comes in the mail, a phone call from an old friend comes and lifts my spirits, I get an email from someone about a potential job to apply for, a song comes on the radio that speaks to me or a friend on Facebook makes me laugh so hard I about wet my pants and for that brief moment I allow myself to forget.

I've learned not to expect the lifelines but I definitely recognize them more easily now. I think it's important in situations like this to recognize blessings, look for things to be thankful for, and to ALWAYS remember, it could be worse.

So in this season of thanks, I will say, I am thankful for my child, my family, my friends, my faith, my dogs, really good pillows, comfortable shoes, good fitting jeans, good food, a roof over my head, and ALL of His little lifelines thrown my way in the last year.